Bad Bad Oeynhausen.

I have just returned from my days off to my apartment in Germany. Before I left we were told that the cleaner would be coming in to, well, clean. I return to find my apartment swept, the sheets changed, and a note on my table. "Clean your kitchen", the note says.

What a charming and slightly confusing way to welcome me back.

It's worth pointing out that although I work in glittering showbiddness, my current digs are not what you would term opulent. I have a poky little apartment with a bed and tv in one room and a tiny fridge and combined sink and two little electric hobs in the other. No sofa, a lamp in the corner that doesnt work and heating that is either sweaty or chilly. Every other night there is a random alarm that beeps from the corridor outside, and the lightbulb keeps breaking in the bathroom, meaning I have taken far more showers in the dark than I would like. It's functional, at best. I don't even have a kitchen work surface, so I prepare most of my food on the draining board of the sink. It's the wonderful business we call show.

It's also worth pointing out, I think, that I'm not a messy person. I tidy as I go, which is fairly easy when it's just me living here. So my dishes are always done, things are put away and spills are wiped up. I'm a modern man. Housetrained.

So my questions are threefold.

One: What mess was the cleaner referring to, that so incensed her that she went and got paper and a pen to leave me a note? I left no mess. Honestly.

Two: It's my apartment for the next month, so if I want it messy (which it isn't), I'm allowed.

Three: (And this is the key point) What kind of fucking cleaner leaves notes telling the person she's being paid to clean for, to clean up?

In what kind of place is that how things are done? I'll tell you. Small town Germany.

Only four more weeks. Ack.